Live in the past...

As Tim Hartnett always liked to remind me, and mostly in situations where it hardly applied, 'If you live in the past, you die in the past.' Recently a lot of my friends have been feeling the back-to-school absence in their lives and it has been hitting them hard. If there was every a time for it to settle in for myself, it would be now. This weekend is the weekend that everyone moved back to school. I actually looked at my blog and on August 29th of last year I wrote about having moved in that day to my new apartment in the Bronx. I absolutely loved that place and I missed it all the time. As my good friend Mike wrote, there is never another time in your life where, for 4 years, you get to spend your day to day life living within walking distance of all of your friends, on your own, and for us - in the middle of one of the greatest cities in the world.

In addition to the realization that I am staying put in my home this fall, and for the first time since I was 4 years old, not going to be in classes this fall - my neighbor is starting high school. I remember when their family moved here. I remember small conversations with this kid and some days we hung out. I never really lived near my friends and there weren't a lot of kids my age growing up and so he and I hung out every so often despite the near-decade age gap. I remember thinking at some point while in high school myself that one day when he finally reached highschool I would have graduated from college. It seemed so far off, and yet here we are. Today was move in day at college and a reminder of my completetion of that stage in my life. Tomorrow, the boy who I knew when he was only three years old starts his high school career.

And despite all of this, I do not have a sad blog to write. Yes, if I thought about it long and hard about the amazing era that is my college years and the tragedy of those being now in the passed I would feel sad. But, I have too much to be wrapped up in and happy about. I did not have any hardships with jobs despite the current world we live in. After only applying for one job, and only interviewing for one job, I was hired for that job. Unlike so many of my friends who were also fortunate to be hired somewhere I really look forward to work. I have an amazing situation were most of my days at work are spent with college-age students. No only that, but I really like working with every one of them. Also, my sister is less than two weeks out of being married and I could not be happier for her.

Sure there are things to complain about. I don't make nearly enough money, I am single and have been for longer than I care to toss around, and I will be in school until I am in my late 20s (once I go back to grad school). I guess I just have enough positive things going for me in my life that I am, at the very least, able to overlook what could be a very difficult and sad time.

Tomorrow night will be an adventure. In what looks to be a continuing of my goal to be active, tomorrow I am heading up to NY for a few hours to see my friends band play the last night of their month long residency at Arelene's Grocery. These guys are incredible at what they do and I love every second that I get to watch them perform. Their successes almost feel like my own as I just get more and more excited to see things going well for them. Despite having working at 8 am on Tuesday morning, I am going to make this trip because there is no way I would miss it.

Here's to everything!

My, how far we have traveled.

In about 12 hours my name will be getting called. I will be trying to balance my internal social anxiety of being announced like that, being in front of that many people, remember which hand to grab with and which hand to shake with, and most importantly - trying not to fall.

It is a little disorganized, this graduation. Not the ceremony, or the preparations. The informing. All we know is the general area to be at and that we should be there by 9:30. We know almost nothing else about processing, if there is a way to submit a phonetic spelling of our names, how long it is going to take, etc. I think Fordham has this down to a science, but for the students (who hopefully never do this enough to get used to the process) it is a bit strange.

There is a lot I have been thinking about, been saying, been looking back on. The fact of the matter is - I am tired, tomorrow will be one of the more emotionally draining days I will/have gone through - the roller coaster of excitement, anxiety, embarrassment, fear, joy, celebration, sadness, and love I will run through in the next 24 hours will be enough to require a full week of emotional recovery. Unfortunately (buy fortunately) I start working at 9 am, Monday.

Without further adieu, I present to you - the class of 2010!

Fortune Cookie

"You will live the life that makes all others not envious, but proud of you."

I got this fortune cookie a while ago. These fortunes and I have had a bitter relationship ever since I opened up a negative fortune. At one point, in close succession I had eaten Chinese food twice which left me with two fortune cookies that combined to make a poor message.

The first read: "You will have a prosperous and joyous life" This is a vague but welcomed fortune cookie. Not long after I would get another cookie. This cookie read "Disregard your previous fortune" Maybe this is meant for those who may get greedy, take two, thus undoing the first through the greed of taking a second. However, combining these messages I was told that I should ignore the prospect of have such a life.

At the beginning of this school year, we went out to dinner and the top line was my fortune. I like to keep them, when I remember to, and packing to go home I just came across this again. I never thought of it before, but the negative message of my back to back fortunes seems to somehow coincide. I might not lead a prosperous and joyous life, not because I will be miserable or be unlucky/unfortunate. Instead, whatever my path is, I will be doing something that is clearly not envied by others, but necessary and good. I don't know what this thing is, but with graduation on my heels, looking at these in succession, I am left confused, but eager to find out.

I have to tell you about last night. It was magical. I was able to get 3 of my friends to join me on my Brooklyn Bridge mission. I think we all agreed, there was no other place we would have wanted to be once we got there. If you ever get a chance, put off sleep, or set your alarm, go stand on the middle of the Brooklyn Bridge. The city, the water, the world - just looks so beautiful. I'll recap soon, but here is a picture.

Here comes the future

Tomorrow is my last school day. I have my last grad class followed by my last final. At 3 pm, the only thing left will be graduation. Your entire childhood you go to school, learn, and prepare for 'the future' that follows college. You perfect what you are good at and strive to be ready for that 'when you grow up' part of the 'what do you want to do/be when you grow up.'

In less then a week I will be there - next week is that 'future' and next week I guess I will be 'grown up' Well, no use toeing the water. Here goes nothing.


CANNONBALL!

(started packing)

Couldn't be happier (My Roommate is crazy)

Tonight I realized - considering everything, very little could make me happier right now. It's 1 am on a day where I had nothing due, preceding a few days with nothing due, and yet I have been doing work all day. Some has been for Drexel, some has been for CT, some has been in prep for things due next week. Today was my first actual day free of tests or due dates and deadlines, and I spent it busy from start to finish.

I was living on the notion that today would bring a calm. I could not wait for Wednesday, the day where I could just do nothing for awhile. And yet, the day came and I stayed active. Despite this, I am not upset in the least. In light of everything that has happened, even though I should be hanging out with friends and wasting my time, I am still busy and I am ok with it. More importantly, I am really content. I could not be more thrilled to have a future and even though it means my present is a bit jumbled, I just keep thinking about how lucky I am and that seems to block any thoughts of annoyance or feelings of stress.

With that said, it has been a full day since I realized I would be leaving this place a week earlier than planned. That despite my new found future, my more immediate lifestyle would be ending much sooner. What was meant to be two weeks of New York adventures has been cropped significantly. With my free time nonexistent, and the weather only promoting more indoor activities, there is a slight sensation of dread or panic setting in. I know New York won't be that far away, and this is not the end for the two of us, but still - I can't help but feel a sense of urgency to visit the places I have not, and do the things I imagined I would before I graduated.

It's time to step up to the plate. Here goes nothing.

(Also, my very good friend who I have known for the better part of my life graduates from college tomorrow. I know I am graduating as well, but he is officially a college grad in a number of hours. Weren't we just hanging out during lunch recess at Saint Mary's?)

(At some point tonight, amidst the frustrations of not wanting to study, my roommate grabbed a stuffed bear in his room and danced with it.)

New Frontier

I've been lost a lot recently. That is definitely something I can admit. There were plenty of opportunities that have been available to me in my four years here that I did not take advantage of. I recently looked at a document on my computer that I had made during my Sophomore year. It was of a series of places and contacts to look into volunteer work for my major. The places were early learning centers and children psych wards. At the time, I just wanted to enjoy myself. I don't necessarily regret my decision to have time for myself through most of my college years, but I started to debate that in the past six months.

There was a lot stacked against me getting a job. I do believe I have done a fair amount in my time here. I have been a part of 3 separate research studies as well as volunteer(ed) for a full school year at a preschool. I even briefly worked for the school radio station. But in my conversation with friends it seemed like everyone had one thing that I envied, whether it was a connection, a summer internship at a mental health facility, or something else. I just felt unsure of my accomplishments. With the plan of utilizing my handed-to-me summer internship as my buffer period before needing to find actual work, I did very little to pursue a job, a career, any real next step.

Back in December, based on a recommendation by my Personality teacher, who I emailed looking for some advice on what I should get involved with in my last semester, I pursued a research assistant position (volunteer, but still) working with a professor I had had for two different classes and really enjoyed. In our conversation, the purpose of him taking me on was so he had a reference point at which he could use to reccomend me to a friend of his who worked at Drexel University. She works in the research department for Psychology there and usually takes on people, at least on a volunteer basis, to help with her studies. They would be meeting in March and so he would talk me up (based on my then two months of working with him).

Well March came, they met, and he informed me he had told her he'd send an email with me copied so the two of us could get connected. March ended, and April was passing quickly and he hadn't done anything. I asked him here or there about it, but was generally not very persistant. This may have been because I did not want to be a pest, or because I had a job for the summer and was not pressured to find something. Either way, it took me awhile to really step up.

Finally, last Tuesday, after a conversation with my sister, I decided I needed to say something to him. Graduation was approaching, and even though I did not need a job right away, I wanted to get communications started before I left my position with him. About one hour after I emailed him I received that CC'd email written to her. He explained who I was, what I was looking for, what I could be counted on for, and basically just asked if there was anything available for her and I to talk about. An hour after that I received an email from her. She told me that she was looking to fill a position that would be opening up June 1st and she was starting the interviews for the position the next day, could I talk on the phone in the next 24 hours about the position?

Absolutely, I could. Fordham just happened to arrange it so that I have Wednesdays off and was absolutely free. The next morning, at 10 am, she called. We talked for about 80 minutes and things went well. I guess they went pretty darn well because she asked me if, despite being in NY and finals were on the horizon, I could make my way to Philadelphia to meet in person. I said yes to a 10 am meeting before I knew what I was doing. Thursday night I would be putting on a concert fund raiser and would not be home until after 12 am. I needed to be on a 5:25 am metro north train into the city to get home in time. It hurt. But I managed.

The two days between phone call and interview were torture. Every time I thought about the interview my heart raced. This position, as it was explained, would put me in a position where I'd be accepted at any Grad program I applied to because of the experience I would gain from it. It would leave me published several times over, chances to speak at conferences, manage a team of 20 people, among other things. I couldn't even believe I qualified for an interview.

The interview went well, conversationally, but certain things were said that made me realize - no chance. She told me she never had anyone as young as I was hold this position. Typically the person holding it had a Masters and some managerial or other experience. In addition she was not thrilled about my GO! trip and made it seem as though it was one or the other. Needless to say I left the interview feeling extremely mixed. I then headed to the shore for some much needed R and R. Sunday night I heard from Naomi via email. She told me she was happy to have met with me in person and was hoping to make a decision by Wednesday.

Remember how I was talking about how my heart would race when I thought about the interview in the two days leading up to it. The two days after were worse. I more and more realized the position was unlikely, and simultaneously, all the good that would come from it. I essentially decided that the course of my future hinged on this job. Every opportunity I would be afforded with this job in my future would be enhanced and different because of it. I longed for that future.


9 am. Monday, May 10, 2010

My phone rang. Luckily I sleep like a newborn (which actually means I wake up easily - that whole 'sleep like a baby' thing is backwards) and woke up immediatly. As anyone would be, I was disoriented as hell and saw a series of numbers. It was not a number I had in my phone. I thought to myself - who cares, I want to sleep. Then I realized - its Naomi! The next thought that ran through my head was 'what a terrible way to wake up' - I was automatically prepped for bad news. Before I could let anymore time pass (and likely let the call go to voicemail) I answered the phone, clearly disoriented. Naomi, who must has sensed something was off - quickly said "Dan it's Naomi. Before you worry, it's good news.

I think, had my phone not been plugged in, or had I not just woken up, I may have started dancing right then. She proceeded to inform me that she wanted to officially make me an offer for the position. Since the time I left on Friday she kept telling the staff she wanted to just make me the offer then. No matter who else interviewed, who else was more qualified, or had a higher degree - she kept saying she wanted to give me the job. Someone, someone that I must hug someday, told her that it means that that must mean that I am who she should hire then.

I very quickly understood why Alex told me he had a headache from smiling too much. I actually, throughout the day, kept looking for signs of proof that it had not been a dream. I mean I did take the call in bed, I had been sleeping before it. It was just too go to have been reality. It was such a long shot in every way. And yet, it was real.

So talk about a 180. One week ago, today, I was emailing my professor in hopes to get the ball rolling. One week ago, today, I was debating Americorp, or what other option I had. One week ago today, I was futureless. I was legitimately nervous about what would come next, dreaded every conversation I would have with anyone I would talk to in the next few months of 'so what are you going to do now?' I had many an anxiety ridden conversation over coffee in the past few months about the state of things and the likelihood that I would be without employment come the fall and how I needed to focus my energy elsewhere.

One week ago today I sent an email, based on the suggestion of my sister, to a man who I only ever sat down with due to the suggestion of my teacher from a few years ago. One week later I have job in my career, in my home town, across the street from Love Park, doing something I am excited about. I am excited. I am nervous. I am anxious. But most of all, I am hopeful and looking forward to life after graduation.

Things work out. Who knew. Had I waited a day to email him, had I not taken Tracy's advice in November to seek out a research assistant position, had classes ended a day later and I couldn't get home for an interview - so many small things that all could have prevented this from happening. And yet, none of them did. I don't know what that means, if it means anything at all. What I do know is I have an answer for those people now, and an answer for myself - the future? Yeah I got that covered.

Here they come

The lasts. I know for a while now there have probably been lasts. Last snow storm in college. Last midterm, etc. But over the next few weeks there will be a lot more. Last Friday of classes followed by the last of the rest of those days. Last day of classes, ever. Last assignment due. Last final. As well as last city adventure, last day on eddies, last band practice, last concert I'll ever play.

This was triggered by a friend of mine posting on her Facebook about her last day of classes being tomorrow. It'd be funny if it did nothing but rain for the next two weeks. I remember the first two weeks we came here it did nothing but rain. Talk about making it difficult to adjust to a new lifestyle.

I am trying to stay positive, though. Alex and I have decided to cancel our cross-country adventure due to financial reasons. It was becoming impractical and definitely either requires more time to plan or more money, or both. But other things are looking up. I am excited about the possbilities that lie ahead. I am pretty much open to anything right now. I have not explored job options too much, but I am considering other avenues as well. There is a Teach English program for one month in China that sounds like an amazing opportunity as well as several interesting positions through Americorp. All of these options have me very optimistic about life-after-graduation.

The near future is looking bright as well. Things are kicking into high gear for our Go! Mississippi fundraising and interest looks high for our t-shirts. Hopefully if we can generate half of that interest in our concert that I am responsible for we will be on our way in terms of covering the cost of our travel. I could not be more excited for the trip. It was definitely a decision made in haste, and with little foresight. Two months later and I could not be happier about making this choice. I am so grateful for the people I have gotten to meet through it and still have not totally grasped the idea that in 6 weeks I will be flying to Mississippi to work at at kids summer camp for a week. I just hope I have enough time to take pictures of everything.

In summary, the future looks bright. Yes there are one thousand lasts coming up, but there is so many firsts to follow them. I just have to make sure that the time between then and now is not wasted, even if it's just spending time with people here doing absolutely nothing but being with each other.

I Love Tomorrow

A friend of mine said that to me recently. He was referring to the literal sense of tomorrow, but for a brief second i misread the meaning of the sentence. Instead it read as more like the love of the promise of tomorrow, the future, the unknown, etc. It had and has such a positive outlook. I don't know. I realize I misread it, which is pretty amazing as it is a very simple statement with a very direct meaning. Even so, reflecting on the meaning I attached has made me really love the way it sounds. Must have been thinking about that sort of stuff at the time.

The end of another chapter

And perhaps a section. Today was my last day of work over winter break. I worked for 17 days this winter break, which may be the longest working break I have had. Tomorrow I head back to New York city for my final semester as an undergrad.

Today marks just one more 'last day of work' for me as I have been working breaks, both summer and winter, at a full time position since mid-high school. This last day of work might represent something a little more substantial. Unless I find myself in New Castle, Delaware over spring break this year, which is unlikely, then today represents my final day of work as a student, an intern, a work day without being in the 'real world' or the 'working world'. The next time I take a position or go to work I will be a college grad. It's scary to think about.

I had some other things I wanted to talk about today - witnessed ECTs this morning, my one and only diner trip, and more reflections on where I am in life right now. Unfortunately it is 2 am and I am getting up in 7 hours to pack the car. It has been a little while since I slept 7 hours and so I am going to retire.

Thanks for reading.